Catching my Breath again

This month I will live by a budget.
I will draw up a budget.
I will spend cash only.
I will not eat out or spend money on lunch.
I will take packed lunches to work.
I will map out fixed times to work on my handbags.
I will contact Sandie to discuss ways of taking my business forward.
I will write everyday even if it’s only a small stone.

I have just written this list in my Filofax.

So, I have been swimming around in this thick gloop that life sometimes becomes for the last few days. Directionless, bugged down, without focus, drifting along. A nagging feeling that something is amiss – or is going to happen – but I can’t quite put my finger on what.

There is a kind of anxiousness to my days. I am anxious about a lot of things –

The fact that for the last two years we have been trying to conceive our second child but don’t seem to be able to, in spite of a battery of tests which all tell me that I am okay.

I am anxious about my financial future. For the first time ever, I used my overdraft. I was completely freaked out by this. This is so unlike me and I fear that this is a reflection of the lack of focus I feel going on in my life right now.

My mums pending visit.

My sister-in-laws pending visit.

I am anxious about my handbag business and the fact that I am uncertain about which direction to drive it in. I am not being earnest about it – my motivation to create fluctuating between peaks and troughs.

For the first time since it started I missed Sunday Scribblings. I had an idea of what I wanted to write but I just couldn’t get the words to flow out of my thoughts and onto the page in a coherent fashion.

I am anxious that I don’t seem able to follow through with projects and tasks that I set myself. Am I setting too many projects for myself? Shall I just focus on one and stick to it?

I am anxious at the lack of focus and discipline in my life at the moment.

I am anxious that with each day I grow further and further away from God. Within me I know, a relationship with him is pivotal, crucial but I don’t seem able to bring myself to do anything about it. My bible, tapes, books - my will -just sit there looking at me accusingly.

I am anxious about my husbands’ fledgling new business.

The complexity of life- sometimes I wish I could just go away for a while. Escape the TV, the shops, the endless barrage of adverts, junk mail, and special offers. Things that make my head spin and overwhelm me.

There is so much I want to do, but so little time it seems. The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years just seem to fly by. Only yesterday it was New Year’s Day and now it’s almost the end of the year again. In a few months, we’ll be singing auld lang syne again.

My time seems to be eaten up doing things I don’t want to or add no value – cooking, cleaning, picking up after the family – all stuff I’d rather not be doing. But then, when I do set out to focus on something for me I am distracted by something apparently more shiny but when picked up is nothing but a small, dull stone.

I think I need to go on a holiday – on my own – to catch my breath again.